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DO MALES FAKE ORGASMS WHEN IT SUITS & DOES IT WORK

The dominant narrative when it comes to men’s sexuality tends to be tales of excess: sex addiction, porn addiction, compulsive masturbation.

(See also: the notion, beloved by the anti-miniskirt brigade, that all men are potential rapists who simply can’t control their animal urges when they see an exposed thigh or breast.)

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The flipside is the idea that women are put upon in the bedroom, not particularly interested in sex, regularly beset with headaches (“not tonight dear…”), and most commonly, that they frequently fake orgasm. Ever since Sally Albright blew Harry Burns’ mind in Katz’s Delicatessen, it’s accepted that men power through to the finish line – on Viagra, if necessary – while women lie back and think of England, letting out a few practised moans at the right juncture.
Why Men Fake It: The Totally Unexpected Truth About Men And Sex, by Dr. Abraham Morgentaler

Why Men Fake It: The Totally Unexpected Truth About Men And Sex, by Dr. Abraham Morgentaler

Perhaps a new book will shift that narrative. Dr. Abraham Morgentaler’s Why Men Fake It: The Totally Unexpected Truth About Men And Sex is the result of over 25 years of work in the field of men’s sexual and reproductive issues, and the good doctor hopes it will be eye opening for readers who subscribe to the aforementioned mindset of men being unstoppable sexual dynamos.
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“It turns out the reasons men fake it are actually pretty similar to the reasons that women fake it,” he told Salon last week. “In their minds — and we can argue whether or not it’s productive thing to do — but in their minds, it’s actually a form of kindness. They’re kind of letting the other person know that they’ve done a good job.”

The idea that faking orgasm is an act of kindness – and not, as some would have you believe, the ultimate betrayal of intimacy and trust – seems especially hard for some to grasp. Beyond that, many people seem puzzled as to exactly how a man would go about it in the first place.

As poet Jim Berhle put it in GQ recently, “Orgasms aren’t hard to fake; ejaculations are. Just use a condom, which I and nine out of ten dentists recommend, and you can easily obscure the lack of evidence. (“Excuse me, miss, let me just run to the bathroom and get rid of this unsightly rubber that may or may not contain my semen.”)”

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Perhaps it’s the collective unconscious at play, but suddenly the issue of the faked male orgasm is a hot topic.

It seems we are still loath to talk about it without having to coat the discussion in jokiness, however. For a quick example, take a look at the two pieces I’ve linked to: the Salon piece is titled “Wait, men fake orgasms?” (cue your own sound effect), while the GQ piece is listed under ‘entertainment’ and ‘humour’, not, say, ‘health’. With such an “omg lol can you BELIEVE some guys do this?!” tone to so much of the coverage, is it any wonder men are reluctant to speak about these issues?

Along with the urge to joke (which I am not immune to) comes a very old fashioned idea of how heterosexual intercourse “should” happen.

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While reading the Salon and GQ pieces, and thinking about the pressure that men apparently feel when it comes to bedroom matters, I kept thinking of this great quote from Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity: “[F]emininity becomes conflated with being sexually receptive and passive, while masculinity is synonymous with penetration and sexual aggressiveness. This, of course, denies the reality that women are often sexual initiators and that both parties are invariably active during the act of sex […] Imagine what would happen if, instead of centering our beliefs about heterosexual sex around the idea that the man ‘penetrates’ the woman, we were to say that the woman’s vagina ‘consumes’ the man’s penis.”

Imagine, indeed! The “LONGER LASTING SEX” billboards would suddenly disappear from our freeways like Marty McFly’s siblings from the family photo!

See, despite the unease with which the dialogue has begun, the upside to fake money shots entering the general discourse is that we might start to think about the ways in which we’re conditioned to believe sex between a man and a woman is “supposed” to happen. As you might have gathered from women either faking or piking, and men ploughing on regardless, few of the expectations about P-in-V sex are particularly healthy for us, emotionally speaking.

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It’s what Behrle refers to in his GQ piece as “the most basic problem with sex—the entire act is built around the dude’s orgasm. If a woman doesn’t come, the man’s no good in bed. If a man doesn’t come, it hardly seems like sex was had at all, which, when you think about it, is pretty unfair to both genders. Women, bless them, feel like they have to bring men to the finish line. And men are expected to come at the drop of a hat. Literally any hat. Put boobs on a hat. Bam. Whoo!”

That stance is reflected in Dr. Morgentaler’s findings, too: “A guy’s sense of his masculinity, especially in the sexual realm, is not about what he experienced himself; he gets his sense of masculinity through the eyes of his partner.”

In other words, if the man can’t keep it up and bring it home for both partners, then everything is rooted, as it were.

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If all this seems like an unreasonable proposition, then look at the proliferation of advertising for erectile dysfunction treatments in the 21st century (and its forerunner, the Viagra boom of the late-20th century): we are taught that sex doesn’t work unless there’s a big hard knob. And then the media completes the picture by teaching people that successful sex involves lots of shouting, sweating and thrashing around and is generally over and done with, to mutual satisfaction, in about three minutes.

With so many women, and now men, admitting to faking orgasm – for whatever reason – surely it’s time to reevaluate the sexual act? Without getting too ‘undergrad gender studies essay’ about it all, maybe it’s time to move away from such a phallocentric notion of the heterosexual sex act.

After all, even though it may make me sound like a ‘70s poster with a sunset on it, surely good sex is about the journey, not the destination – especially if the destination is a ruse. Nobody wants to end up being the bedroom equivalent of those people who fake holiday snaps so that they can show off on Facebook.

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Published by Henry, on April 19th, 2013 at 1:45 am. Filled under: MALES,ORGASMS. Tags: , , , , , , | No Comments |

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