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NON-MONOGAMY, IS THAT JUST A WORD OR A LIFESTYLE CHOICE??

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ARE HUMANS MONOGAMOUS

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Old Faithful: Penguins mate for life – what about humans?
Wild Secrets
Non-monogamy: A trendy phase to pass, or something more substantial?

The great elephant in the room that never gets addressed is the concept of monogamy. Monogamy is a social construct and not a biologically driven one. Humans are not designed to mate for life. All the pills, potions and psychobabble do not change the fact that one partner has simply lost interest in the other. Commonly it’s women that lose interest but it can also be men. Why then do we insist on being tethered to one another 24-7. There are easy ways to fix this but most of society simply does not have an open mind when it comes to it.

Monogamy. We’ve discussed it on the blog before. But that comment, posted last week in response to the Lady Drug for Sexual Desire entry got me mulling over it again. So I hit the net and discovered I’m not alone. There’s been a surge in articles on the subject lately. Why? What’s going on?

For my part, the answer is clear.

The monogamy comment caught my eye in a way it would not have this time last year. Frankly, it jarred. And this was strange considering I’ve always advocated for non-monogamists. You could say I identified with the non-monogamous lifestyle.

Though in the main I’ve had monogamous relationships, I always suspected as I matured and became more secure in myself, I’d face up to the fact I would be happiest with multiple lovers, sometimes at the same time, but no one forever. Perhaps I would be emotionally monogamous to a particularly lovely fellow. However he’d have to be cool with me having physical relationships with others. Because the idea of being with just one guy for the rest of my life seemed like a life sentence.

So, by and large, I accepted that monogamy and marriage – the ultimate manifestation of faithful, all-or-nothing devotion – were fine for others, but not for me. Sure, I’d support people who wanted to walk down those paths, especially if ridiculous legislative barriers prevented them from doing so. But me, actually ‘do’ monogamy? I don’t think so.

Of course, that’s changed. Not only have I met a bloke I can’t wait to be with for always, but I actually want to ‘do marriage’ too.

So have I sold out on my libertarian ideals?

That’s a horrifying thought. No-one wants to think of themselves as a sell-out. It’d be much easier on my self-esteem if I could simply write about my move onto a monogamous life-path as an inevitable part of ‘growing up’…

Can I?

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Popular science seems to suggest not. A big study doing the rounds – and responsible for a fair crack of the no-monogamy reportage found on my most recent internet wanderings – focuses on the fact women are just as likely as men to be aroused by the idea of sex with strangers. Another one found women responded to kooky porn as men did (well). Some writers are suggesting this means women are just as likely as men to be ‘bored’ by sexual monogamy as men are.

Because men are bored by sexual monogamy, right? Their bodies and their brains get bored by being with just one woman? Is that why gay men have open relationships? Because the only reason men have bothered with monogamy is because women have always needed them to, right?

So, now women are more socially and economically mobile without men than they have ever been, and marriage rates are declining, and women are able to choose lives without children if they want, perhaps the reverse is true. Perhaps monogamy is the stage to grow out of. Perhaps multiple partnering is the next step in our civilisation’s evolution. Perhaps I’m not ‘growing up’ by getting hitched at all – perhaps I’m going backwards…

Ultimately, I am happy in my decision. I believe without a flicker of doubt this is the right path for me to walk. And I stick by the fact – as I always have – that monogamy and marriage are very fine things. But know they’re things for me. And I can leave the non-monogamising to everyone else. Diversity should be encouraged.

Yet I wonder, what will be the ‘norm’ when my children are my age? Will we have grown out of monogamy by then?

Or perhaps – and hopefully – we’ll finally have arrived at a place where there is no ‘normal’ relationship structure. Because all you need is love, so who cares how it’s expressed?

Right?
Wild Secrets

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Published by Henry, on June 5th, 2013 at 10:12 am. Filled under: ANIMALS,MONOGAMY POLYGAMY. Tags: , , , | No Comments |

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